historicality
ive been acting all existentialist and fretful as of late, subsequent to recent unfortunate occurences, and even more unforgiving consequences.
my days have passed by these few weeks in a zealous haze.
– the stiffling weight of assignments have been nearly too much for me to bear;
– daddy has been back in town, causing me to re-examine once more, the chronically confusing family dynamic;
– clubs electric blue, strong alcohol, banging house music, and misintepreted affections wasnt enough to shield me from the inevitable; ‘kena kantoi’ that is;
– all these ultimatums that ive been presented with, along with choices that im forced to finally make are pushing me over the sanity cliff, into a deep whirlpool of confusion, guilt, regret, depression, and fanaticism.
** the human condition is such that when we have no choice, we are unhappy that we lack that priviledge, alas, when we are presented with choices, we are unwilling to choose.
anyway, moving on
– stress has overtaken me by a mile, and i am pathetically lagging behind. horrible self defeating thoughts swarm my already clogged mind, and ideas of reliving my bullimic hey-days have come back to haunt me.
should i, or should i not? – is the question im asking myself as of late.
– my relationship has been broken down to shards, that currently, my swollen hands are to afraid to pick up and glue back together.
– also, my perpetual confusion about my sexual orientation is driving both me, and him mad, mad.
– ive come to the realisation that i am one selfish, insecure, nervous wreck. needy for familiarity and comfort, yet unwilling to make sacrificial choices in order to secure that comfort.
_______________________________________________________________
i need to keep my balls (if i had any) from bouncing off the walls, when shit happens. and alot of shit has been happening.
– last tuesday, for instance - when the computer decided to eat up my PR paper. no, seriously. having put in hours of brain-power, sweat, headache, and cigarettes, to discover, all of it, ALL FUCKING GONE. FUCK THAT. the smelly had to physically restrain me from breaking every fucking bone in my body, and from wrecking everything in fucking sight.
** the worst thing was, crying, wailing didnt magically re-write the PR report as id hoped. i still had to sit my sorry arse back on the chair, wipe off the snot, suck it up and come up with that shit all over again.
– friday was spent @ cynna as usual, drowned in the endless crowds of familiar, yet distant faces. bouncing was kept to minimal, lest the boobs come falling out of my slutty white push up. o_O
– i was in a particularly crummy mood on saturday night, after for-going the invitation to go for a party @ frangipani (to see a smoking HOT hannah) and velvet, . so, instead, smelly decided to accompany me for a mindless walk around bangsar. thankfully we bumped into the Corrine and spent the rest of the night talking abt bob marley, theology, club culture and shit, over a few rounds of alco.
_______________________________________________________
’tis finally sunday, and im grateful to have survived another helter-skelter week. perhaps next week shant be as bad. i highly doubt it though, seeing forth that i have 3 major assignments and one final exam due in the span of 3 days.
oh man. im already contemplating my escape route, lest i fail my semester and academic career away.
maybe, just maybe, i shall start a blog in hopes of becoming an overnight one-hit- wonder just like these dormitory boys:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etKvJOU6Ogs
______________________________________________________________
amidst my boredom and lack of updates,
ive come up with a (non-exhaustive) "cant wait" list:
- i cant wait for the last week of semester to end.
- i cant wait for nadidi, zaida, taib & warwick co. to come back to party the summer away.
- i cant wait for beach holiday 07′ in July.
- i cant wait for 10 kg to magically drop off my ghastly overweight frame.
– and i cant wait for my 21st birthday wish to come, come quick - so that i can wish away all the damage ive done this year.
sure, keep telling yourself that.
