digress & obsess [v2]

ive had a ridic past week; once again, nothing new here.

so, i guess, some sunday introspection is timely.

good friends zaida and mathew were back in town last week, spurring on my undying adulation of the kl night life.

and now that theyre gone,

the stillness has finally given me some time to wonder, of how many more years i have left, till i finally settle down.

at the rate im going, it seems to me as if im down the inevitable path to premature aging.  you know, those haggard, wrinkly spinsters you would rather fuck a horse than them. 

oo—er.

O_o

ok. anyway.

my point is.

lately, my line of thoughts have culminated into a growing affinity towards the subject of silence.  silence; in essense, or the lack thereof.  it is obviously not the ‘lack thereof’ that i fear, but its swooping, convoluted presence.

silence around me generally implies one of two possibilities:  either, a great deal is happening, or, not a lot is happening.

infer as you will, but my PR report and DDP thesis is staunchly refusing to write themselves, which is causing me much anguish and irritation. 

and ive been feeling very very fragile of late — a ferment of idiocy slowly erroding at the shreds of willpower i have left;

the braindrain of academic jargon and the repurcussions of my ill-chosen-choices crystallizing into terrible focus; senseless needless sorrow — i am now, beset by a sense of inevitability, resignation and smallness.

i now live in a realm of irony — whereby, saying things like "thou shalt not party so hard, and wake up the next morning like the living dead anymore", will all but ensure that i will.

its safe to say, folks that ive lost most of my control over thyself.

——–edit:

i currently feel like im stranded in a no mans land.

its one of those impossible nights when a heavy leaden sleep is gently pressing itself on everypart of me, except for my mind.

which cannot seem to sit still at all.

its one of those nights where my eyes are clamped shut from genuine exhaustion, but no sleep in forthcoming.

and that is an odd little thing - odd enough to provoke me out of bed into this post. 

you see, im always at a loss to distinuish between the closed eyes of sleep and of sleeplessness, since from an external point of view, the two are exactly the same.

but from the inside, from that dark hemisphere behind your eyes, the difference is a substancial one.

how the heck does the closed eye go from seeing/conscious/awake to unseeing/unconsious/asleep?

i have on many occasions, attempted to stay conscious so that i might this confounding transition.  needless to say, this proved counterproductive, and i never fall asleep.

the best ive been consciously able to notice, is a kind of shadowed, velvet-y haze that blooms up the insides of my eyelids, and a vague sensation of physically drifting downwards as various muscles unknot.

on the rare occasion that i do catch this sequence, in the process, i’m then consciously able to say that ‘i am about to fall asleep’.

irony is, any overt articulation of this fact in my head yanks me all the way back to a more conscious state, which means

‘i am no longer about to fall asleep.’

and so that vicious cycle grinds on.

the nebulous country between the conscious and unconscious state is, annoyingly,

uncharted and unchartable territory.

however, given my disgruntled, sandy eyed mental restless-ness over the last two hours up until this moment,

its a place id very much love the to inhabit now.please.thankyouverymuch. onehopes.ohfuckit.goodnight.

This entry was posted on Sunday, April 29th, 2007 at 7:01 am and is filed under emo-shit. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.