digress & obsess [v2]

i know i should be reading up on documents, design and print right now.

but my mind is lingering off far-far-away, but close to heart.

im exhausted from the long day, being stuck in the bloody beef of the beef that is traffic jams.

it hit me the moment i got home, wriggled out of the clothes and snuck under the comfort of my bed cover.

it really has been a long day.

more distressingly, im in one of my moods again, making this evening more difficult to get by. 

today seems different.

for one, im not stressing over cellulite.

who would have thought?

for a quite awhile now, ive been programmed to assume that there was no problem significant enough to surpass dreaded cellulite.

stupid!

fat cells and water retention seem to be knocked down to the bottom of my list of freak-out worries today.

there is something stuck at the back of my boggled-jumbled mind that is bothering the shit out of me.

ive been tossing and turning in bed for the past 2 hours or so, attempting to make up for much needed shut-eye.

all but in vain.  so much so, ive stolen and swallowed a couple of pills from my mom’s make-me-go-to-sleep stash in the kitchen.

its been half an hour, and contrary to wot it says on the bottle; "instant effect", it still HAS YET to KICK in.  bloddy bollocks.

im majorly trippin’.

have’nt felt like that in awhile, not since i last smoked up at least.

and yet again, as i continue to sweep my demons under the carpet, they have come back to bite me in the arse.

confessions are spilling out of my mouth like word vomit.

my mind is on some rampant back-tracking mode, displaying all the nasty things ive done/been through in the past.

there are many.

most of the images im forced to see, are terribly graphic,

some even lucid, as if i was forcibly chucked right back to that very moment in time to swallow it up all over again.

theres this empty, hollow feeling in my chest. 

like an empty void, that i was deceived into believing was filled.

my breathing is erratic, my fingers are fidgeting to scratch and rip up something, and beads of cold sweat are forming on my forehead.

"why the hell did i ever do that?"

"why did i say wot i said?"

"how the fuck did i land myself knee-deep in shit?"

"why cant i let go?"

"why is it ever so difficult to say au reviour?"

so as i sit here, wallowing in my discontent and twirling my hair bimbo-style,

ive come to realise how many blind mistakes ive made in the past.

and how i know that i should have been smarter. and not played dumb.

i should have thought about consequences, i shouldnt have been so selfish, and so naive.

i shouldnt have been. period.

one by one, these mistakes are bitting me hard in the arse.

mistakes that have cost me alot. some of which im still paying compounded interest for.

tis’ sucks, yo.

i need to head to the beach soon, for some avid sun therapy.

right now, all i want and need is a cosmopolitan, a spliff and a cozy hammock to nurse my poor swollen bleeding head back to health.

volunteers to hammock w me, are most welcome

******************************

** to all the people ive hurt and gotten hurt from in the past,

"il see you when i see you".

ive simply just got to rest tonight.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 7th, 2007 at 6:30 am and is filed under emo-shit. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.