can i have a “brain that separates hard logic from emotion” for xmas? i dont want to get into trouble under the mistletoe.
Ive been thinking a lot.
And its times like these, I hate. Cos I tend to think myself silly. And then il get heeby jeebies. And by the time the thinking fest is over, il be both exhausted and depressed.
Its funny how things have turned out and its funny how things are going.
I don’t know who to blame and im way past that anyways.
Who am I kidding?!
Im still feeling the utmost of a smothered feeling in my chest.
My parents seem to have extended their paranoia, and guess wot?! It’s the first time in 3 francing years that ive got a curfew.
It thucks asthhhhh !!!!!
Now I wonder if pen-ing my thoughts online would be of any help, cos ive heard that they actually make u more depressed.
I don’t know anymore.
Wot I do know, is that, although I have more or less come clean w my parents, there still remains this something embedded in my chest. Something im not willing to let go of, and perhaps its causing me more worry and more discontent than I should deserve. Many a time, I have created lies in myself and more to make that very lie stay alive. Till the point, I don’t know anymore, if the lie even was a lie?! Or not?! And no one is answerable to that question except me.
Its just that I don’t feel ready to answer that question despite the fact its been bugging me all summer long.
At times I wonder if I really am to lucky for my own good.
Cos I tend to abuse priveledges beyond its well-lived means. And hence I suffer repercussions big time.
Im itchy, im aching, im restless, listless, im flu-ish and fucking confused all in one.
So how now?! Frankly im confused out of my fucking mind and the last thing I want to do is tell someone and have them come all over me like a therapist. Thank you very much but I already have one.
If u hadn’t guessed already, im in one of those bitchy moods.
Only because I feel as vulnerable as a thin sheet of paper.
At times like these, and at the risk of sounding akin to your regular damsel in distress I really wonder if my judgements really fail me. And is there anybody in the world I can even begin to trust. How so? If I don’t even trust myself.
The feeling im experiencing now is like standing on the edge of a tall building ready to jump, just that there is no safety net to catch me.
So where the hell has the safety net disappeared to, im desperate to have it back there so I can fall and not get hurt.
Summer this year has honestly been a life changing one.
Why do I say so?
Cos I have never ever, ever felt more depressed or lost in my entire fucking life. Never ever in my life, have I comtemplated suicide, sex, drinks, marijuana, cigarettes as strongly as I had this summer. And I have never had my heart broken this badly before. Why I say badly? Cos its still in the process of healing. Meaning, 5 months and counting.
And I guess this pain has made me scared to the point of never wanting to experience it again.
At times I wonder, would things have been better if I had remained in
London and not come back?
Maybe so, im not too sure.
This year’s fall has been more of an eye opener and a detox than anything else.
Though right now, im not feeling any fucking effect wotsoever, I know this fall, ive gotten to know myself much more than I ever did, throughout my 18 years of life.
And if summer wasn’t enough, im experiencing a somewot tamed down version of
Pain,
Melancholy,
Distrust,
Anger,
Hatred,
Confusion,
Listless-ness,
Suffocation,
And isolation.
Sunday is never my favourite day and well today just sure as fuck reinforces that.
Pain? Maybe its cos I have a fucking flu.
But the rest just reinforces the fact I have more work to do than I thought.
And you know wot?
Im not the kind of girl that a regular guy wants to touch w a ten feet pole.
I think you’ve figured out by now.
Someone in his late 20’s has given it a shot. And man he must be havin the time of his life. I think the only thing that keeps us going is the fact that he isn’t regular.
Im already 19 and way behind schedule seeing that it is already nearing the fucking new year. I wonder wot next year will bring? A new pair of shiny, tanned, skinny legs?
And a brain that separates hard fact from emotion.
But right now im not too keen.
and love isnt on the agenda. inhibition is.
